The 8 days after - how to mourn (something I must teach you)

Today I didn't have to be under ulterior effects of any illegal stuff to have a long sunday walk
(Earlier than the other ones, by the way)
[And I may mean a great range of things by "illegal stuff" - including you]
And today I was able to see butterflies and bees flying,
And feel beauty on those things,
And my mind managed to divide itself into
Thinking about you - and mourning you
And paying attention to the beauty of life
Something that I only managed to do after having a wonderful night.
(Was it that wonderful? - I must wonder)

But, yes, I am under the effect of some other things
Which I hope to bring me back some pleasure to this disillusioned life of mine
But only for some time, only for some time,
Because I really think I'm able to be happy by myself
(Or someday I will be)

I'm just giving myself extra tools to deal with this freaking long process.
(In fact, last night I panicked a little bit
Because I really needed to rest
But I was terribly afraid of dying
Breathless
And then I chose to suffer, but being aware that I was alive
Isn't it something that we have to choose everyday?)

But my intense victory of going out home
- Because I wanted to
Because I felt I deserve to see and feel life,
And not because I only had to -
Is something that I'll keep on my box-of-very-own-miracles
For me to remember that I'm strong enough to decide to be alive.

(Although I'm unable to decide this very frequently,
And, in most of my days,
[Mainly now the days
That I don't have you to show me a way to do this]
I just manage to survive.
But I'll overcome this sooner or later.
[I'm going to learn how to do this completely by myself.])

But oh, God, how it hurts!